DREW: It’s a good thing you texted me to tell me it was time to come home last night.

ME: I didn’t. I just said “How’s that last call working for you?”

DREW: Well, it was a good thing you sent me that bitchy, sarcastic message last night so I made it home on time.

ME: But why do I have to do that? We had a whole conversation before you went out about “parameters”. Remember when you asked me what the parameters should be?

DREW: Yes, and we said 4:30 was pretty good because that gives me time to finish up my drink after last call and say goodbye to my peeps.

ME: Peeps? No, I said, “Please don’t come home completely incoherent, sweaty and stinking at 7 am.” And THEN we agreed that when the bar closes it might be a good time to think about coming home.

DREW: Which I did. I left the bar when it closed and I went straight to X’s place because it’s really close to home and then as soon as you texted me I booked right out of there because I know the parameters.

ME: But going to X’s for sunrise afterhours is not leaving the party when the bar closes, that is just continuing the party elsewhere until 8 am or until you get yelled at.

DREW: I was home by 4:20.

ME: Yes, but only because I texted you and it takes 3 minutes to get home from X’s.

DREW: Uh huh. I went there after the bar closed because I knew I could make it home as soon as you texted me.

ME: But that was not the new plan, that’s just the same old party til you drop plan. What if I hadn’t texted you?

DREW: But you did.

ME: But I can’t always wake up at 4 and tell you to come home. The whole idea was for you to make this rational decision on your own without me yelling at you.

DREW: But you did yell at me. And as soon as I heard that bling I stood up and said, “Time to go home!” And I was home by 4:20. 4:20 Mary! That’s some seriously awesome boyfriend action right there and you only had to send me one bitchy, horrible, nagging, annoying message.

ME: I wish I had something heavy to drop on your head right now.

DREW: Well, that’s just not nice. Maybe you should send it in a text.

Author: Raffaele

Rock and roll juggernaut, writer, muse, animal lover, Cycle Slut from Hell, friend, lover, sister, daughter, nerd, fagwoman, Slytherin, killer queen.

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