ME (Turning on overhead light while Drew is sleeping): HEY!
DREW (squinting): What?? Turn that off, it’s too bright.
ME: Are we going to have a good Christmas?
DREW: You tell me. Are we?
ME: We are if you can stop being a jerk. That’s why I’m asking.
DREW: Well I’m asking too. I’m not being a jerk. Are you going to stop being a jerk?
ME: I’M not being a jerk. You’re being a jerk.
DREW: You’re the jerk. Turn the light off.
ME: Not until you say you’re going to stop being a jerk.
DREW: Okay, you’re going to stop being a jerk.
(pause)
ME: Light’s still on.
DREW: All right. I’ll stop being a jerk! Turn it off!
ME: Okay, then we’re going to have a good Christmas.
(light goes off)
DREW (quiet voice from the dark bedroom): You know, some people might say that only a JERK would turn the light on like that.
ME: I can’t hear you! But since you’re up, wanna watch Scrooge?
Month: December 2011
More Unicorns and Rainbows
I have a friend who is a member of a certain well known motorcycle club and I’m constantly trying to incorporate him into my writing world somehow because he’s always angry but in the most hilarious kind of way that I find completely entertaining. He, of course, will have nothing to do with my shenanigans, which have included trying to steal his overseas bike trip itineraries (to scan and post because they look so cool) and grilling him about his sex life.
I want to make him an internet star, but as he is a one percenter in the traditional sense of the term, and living a truly interesting rebel life, he wants nothing to do with my nonsense. So I figure I’ll just post our text and email rounds here once in a while, as those are pretty funny on their own:
ME:
Just drunkenly fell on my knee outside BE. That guy JT is the bomb. Love you!
December 9 1:15am
HIM:
HA HA. YOU DRUNKEN TWAT.
December 9 1:21am
ME:
Totally, and FUCK YOU!
December 9 1:22am
HIM:
IT’S L.T. NOT J.T. ANYWAY.
December 9 1:41am
ME:
Whatevs! Awesome to see you. xoxoxoxo
December 9 1:42am
[Ed note: Yes, I did text “whatevs”. And yes, I hate myself for it.]
HIM:
XXX. DEAR BLOGGIES, HAD A WONDERFUL NIGHT OUT. GOT ALL DOLLED UP IN AN ELEGANT BLACK COCKTAIL DRESS, ADDED THE COCKTAILS AND THEN ROLLED IN THE GUTTER WITH THE BUMS ON THE BOWERY.
December 9 10:29am
ME:
Goddamnit, I was going to leave that part out.
December 9 10:35am
HIM:
STICK TO THE SHORT VERSION GIRL. NOBODY READS THE FINE PRINT AND DETAILS ANYMORE…YOUR EDITOR, UNCLE CRANKY. XX
December 9 10:45am
——————
HIM:
DEAR PRINCESS STUMBLE BUM, I NEED MARIA’S PHONE NUMBER. I’M SURE THAT YOU GOT IT IN YOUR LITTLE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, POCKET FILE CABINET. THANK YOU SUGAR DUMPLING.
December 13 11:23am
ME:
How dare you interrupt my regal slumber as I sit upon a royal vinyl throne in the New York City jury pool? Now I must sit here semi-awake and pray for swift release. Her number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.
December 13 11:25am
HIM:
LET THEM KNOW WHO’S TEXTING YOU AND THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN ESCORT OUT OF THERE, AND SOME CAB FARE HOME OR TO THE CLOSEST GIN MILL OF YOUR CHOICE. I GOTTA GO MUG SOMEONE.
December 13 11:44am
ME:
I thought about that! You are always full of good ideas and now maybe you’ll get me out of jury duty.
December 13 11:47am
HIM:
I TRY TO HELP WHERE I CAN TO MAKE THIS LAND A BETTER PLACE TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN, PAY OUR TAXES AND MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE. NOW FUCK OFF, I’M BUSY.
December 13 12:09pm
I See You
Me: I saw one of my former generals on the street today.
Drew: What are you talking about?
Me: From that other lifetime when I was a queen.
Drew: Really. So who was this person?
Me: Somebody’s mom on the street. I didn’t know her, but I recognized her. We had a moment. (Pointing two fingers to eyes and back out again).
Drew: Really?
Me: Yes. It was nice to see her again.
Drew: You do realize that you are 100% batshit crazy, right?
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Andrew.
Drew: It’s terrifying. Your lips move and I feel actual fear. (waves hands in the air) Gaaahhh!
MISS ANTHROPE'S HOUSE OF HIGH DRAMA 