ME (unwrapping present): Oh, yay!! It’s the entire BBC Jane Austen series on DVD!
DREW: Gaaaaaahhhh!
ME: Look, honey…Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, Northanger Abbey…
DREW: BBC. Boring British Cinema…
ME: Which one should I watch first? Emma probably…
DREW: BBC. Boring British Channel…
ME: I really like Sense and Sensibility a lot though. Let’s watch that!
DREW: Bonnets. So many bonnets…room is spinning…must lay down…
ME: Hey! Where are you going??
First, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Woo hoo! Even if you don’t celebrate, it’s a good excuse to have a day off. I will be spending the day eating and forcing Drew to watch Scrooge and It’s a Wonderful Life. Although one of his presents is the third season of the original Star Trek, so there may be a struggle for the television. He and Roquefort, the TV watching cat, both heartily enjoy their sci fi. Nerd alert!
Anyway, due to a beach-oriented vakay we’ve got coming up in February with 6 of our friends, I’ve got to pull it together something fierce. And honestly, it’s well overdue. So I’ll be on the CHEF’S DIET all January to mid February, and I’m going to take a month off from drinking just for good measure, starting after NYE. I feel it only fair to warn friends ahead of time. Cranky, sober, starving bitch alert! I apologize in advance.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Some advice/requests for Long Island bands playing Manhattan for the first time:
Filling the room with relatives that you’ve talked into the long drive into ‘the city’ is not the same as having a packed house.
Tell your drummer that twirling his sticks as often as possible will not fool people into thinking he can play. It just makes him look like a douche.
It is not necessary to play for an hour and a half for your ‘full room’. You Aunt Stell is already tired from the drive and it annoys everyone else, especially the headlining act.
And as an addendum to the point, padding out the set with U2 covers is not necessary for gigs at The Annex, Arlenes, Pianos, etc.
And as further addendum, your older brother, his wife, your cousin Joey and his new girlfriend pumping their fists in the air and shouting “YEAH!!” does not constitute the necessity for an encore after your already hour-plus long, padded with covers set.
Please bring more chubby, orange ex-strippers with giant, wonky implants and bad waist length blond extensions. I find them interesting to look at and fun to party with.
Less hair gel is not imperative but would be decidedly more flattering.
DREW: Thank God you don’t want kids.
ME: Nope. Although at one point I thought I could deal with a little girl. You know, with constant nanny intervention…If we had a girl what would you name her? I like Lily. Or Lucretia. That’s good and scary.
DREW: Triceratops.
ME: You can’t name everything Triceratops.
DREW: You’re right, it’s a boy’s name. Okay, Stegasaurus.
ME: Stegasaurus?
DREW: Yep. For a girl. If it’s a boy – Dracula.
ME: You’re an idiot. You know that, right?
DREW: You’re just jealous because I come up with better names than you do.
Me: Of course!! I wouldn’t miss it, full-on road trip. I just have to figure out which weekend.
Storm: Yay! Just don’t come on the 9th, a busload of my most rabid fans are going to be there and they’ll totally swarm you once they figure out we’re friends.
Me: Ha! Rock star! Okay, I’m thinking the 2nd maybe. I am fully psyched to see you in this part.
Storm: Cool! You’ll get to see me play a total slut who sings and dances and cheats on her boyfriend and then has an abortion behind his back.
Me: Shit, that’s not such a stretch for us. That’s just 1988 all over again.
Storm: Omg, do you realize 1988 is a full 20 years ago! Is that possible? How did that happen??
Me: God we’re old.
Storm: Crap…
Me: Damn it…
MISS ANTHROPE'S HOUSE OF HIGH DRAMA 