Month: April 2009

Parameters

DREW: It’s a good thing you texted me to tell me it was time to come home last night.

ME: I didn’t. I just said “How’s that last call working for you?”

DREW: Well, it was a good thing you sent me that bitchy, sarcastic message last night so I made it home on time.

ME: But why do I have to do that? We had a whole conversation before you went out about “parameters”. Remember when you asked me what the parameters should be?

DREW: Yes, and we said 4:30 was pretty good because that gives me time to finish up my drink after last call and say goodbye to my peeps.

ME: Peeps? No, I said, “Please don’t come home completely incoherent, sweaty and stinking at 7 am.” And THEN we agreed that when the bar closes it might be a good time to think about coming home.

DREW: Which I did. I left the bar when it closed and I went straight to X’s place because it’s really close to home and then as soon as you texted me I booked right out of there because I know the parameters.

ME: But going to X’s for sunrise afterhours is not leaving the party when the bar closes, that is just continuing the party elsewhere until 8 am or until you get yelled at.

DREW: I was home by 4:20.

ME: Yes, but only because I texted you and it takes 3 minutes to get home from X’s.

DREW: Uh huh. I went there after the bar closed because I knew I could make it home as soon as you texted me.

ME: But that was not the new plan, that’s just the same old party til you drop plan. What if I hadn’t texted you?

DREW: But you did.

ME: But I can’t always wake up at 4 and tell you to come home. The whole idea was for you to make this rational decision on your own without me yelling at you.

DREW: But you did yell at me. And as soon as I heard that bling I stood up and said, “Time to go home!” And I was home by 4:20. 4:20 Mary! That’s some seriously awesome boyfriend action right there and you only had to send me one bitchy, horrible, nagging, annoying message.

ME: I wish I had something heavy to drop on your head right now.

DREW: Well, that’s just not nice. Maybe you should send it in a text.

You Had Me at Popper Burns

It has occurred to me that I’ve become pretty boring lately, and for this I apologize.

I haven’t done drugs with supermodels in some time. At the moment there’s no one that needs beating up or a written rant. I’m not depressed or acting out in any way. I haven’t been forced into any annoying hipster gigs or paparrazzi-filled bottle service clubs in quite some time. I haven’t sat next to Lilo on a banquette in forever. I have no idea what Lemmy’s been up to lately.

Everything comes in cycles, and this serenity will pass. In the meantime, some things on my mind:

My gorgeous and extremely talented friend Storm Large has been commissioned to do a one woman show in Portland. It’s called CRAZY ENOUGH and today is the opening date so it’s on my mind heavily, especially because I don’t think I’m going to be able to take the time off work to get out there to see it. If you are anywhere near Portland you should go, you will not be disappointed. I have known many incredibly entertaining people in my life and Storm is at the top of that list. Every time I watch her perform I feel as if my heart is going to burst.

Why can’t someone create an attractive vegan, eco-friendly shoe? I get emails touting new designers with a heart and I gamely head to their sites and inevitably its as if someone ate too much of the 80’s and vomited THIS back up. Bleah. If I wanted a splatter paint kibble heel I’d go to my favorite bum on Avenue A and 2nd Street. He’ll sell me a pair for $2 and throw in a slightly stained paperback to maintain positive customer relations. Stella McCartney is doing her part, I suppose, but I cannot justify (nor afford) $1300 for a pair of raffia shoes.

And on that tip – ladies, if you haven’t already, go to my friend Chloe Jo’s site and sign up for the GIRLIE GIRL ARMY. It’s a “guide to glamazon living”. She is totally hot and smart and she sends out the best emails full of sample sales, gossip, interesting tidbits, and yes, vegan recipes. She’s very active in animal rights and does a lot of work with FARM SANCTUARY, but is always looking for ways to bring glamour and fun to women with a consciousness. I’m completely jealous of her and she makes me want to be a better person without lecturing, but even if you’re not into being a vegan she’s got great insider info on sales, health, beauty, contests, etc.

Speaking of the ladies, I am noticing that almost all of my girls are single right now. And I’m not talking about the psychos (Drew from the other room: “ALL of your friends are psycho, Mary!”). Feh! Perhaps! But I know some very attractive and interesting women with careers and lives of their own who do not bring the crazy every day, who are refusing to date anymore because it’s so shitty out there. I think I’m going to research this and do a report for y’all. NOT that I think it’s imperative to have a man, I’m just curious about this current phenom of rampant singledom.

Oh– but I will leave you with pretty good blind item..I have a friend who shall remain nameless who is currently suffering from popper burns on his legs and stomach because he dropped it on himself while doing I don’t want to know what in a partially or fully nude state, very late into the night and after a big night out, which I am pretty sure involved the use of illegal substances. And to him I say: you had me at popper burns. Thank God for the gays, they are magically delicious and keep me from completely fading into respectability.

Randomizer


You know, I’m trying not to spew these days, but things like this make it difficult:

MICHAEL VICK THINKS MICHAEL VICK IS STILL WORTH A HUGE CONTRACT

Mary Raffaele thinks that Michael Vick may still be a bit of an asshole.

What doesn’t make me cranky? The fact that my faux arch-nemesis, that size 0 and can still drink you under the table, MISS MOTO went to Japan and brought me back a banana case. It looks something like this:

That’s right bitches. I’m gonna have the safest bananas in NYC.

So I thought I’d give you a book update, since it’s been a while since it’s been mentioned…

I had originally thought to work towards cutting my hours down at PF to make more time to write, since there always seems to be a time crunch. But the more I weighed out the options on that alternative (number one being how to live on less money), the more things sped up at work. Pat is just so hot right now that it’s opened up opportunities for everyone around her, and I’ve shifted gears a bit, and in a more lucrative direction. In the current economy, and in the face of a past record of hand to mouth existence, I’ve made the choice to focus more on what started as a job and now looks to be an actual career that I enjoy. Although Drew remains unconvinced that any real work is getting done:

DREW: Wow, did you cut your hair?

ME (pulling bangs off my head): No, I’m wearing fake bangs. See, they have little clips. Aren’t they great?

DREW: So this is what you did at work?

ME: Yeah! Verushka and Moto have them too. We’ve decided that this month it’s all about faux bangs.

DREW: Was this an official meeting in the office?

ME: Yes. Want to see my new yacht cougar stretch jumpsuit? We’re also planning a Charlie’s Angel night, bangs optional. And today we staged a fashion intervention because Ingrid was trying to order a dozen polo shirts from American Apparel. Blech. Can you imagine?

DREW: Really shaking the world up today, huh?

ME: Don’t hate, Drouche. Here, I’ll let you try the bangs.

—————————————

I am also finding it tiring to look backwards. Maybe it’s because I’ve written about a lot of things already in blogs, although I believe there is still plenty that I’ve saved in the back of my brain. Or maybe its that I’m in a happier space now and I’ve burned off a lot of the damage from the past. This planetary shift that is happening is so much about moving forward that it just doesn’t seem the proper time to rehash the past.

But I still believe that I’ve got at least one good book in me, it’s just going to have to wait a bit longer.

In the meantime, my sister is planning a visit to New York at the end of next month so for those of you who miss her, we’ll be planning some sort of alcohol-based get-together. I’ll keep you posted on that.

And that’s really it, I’ve got a couple of blogs in the back of my brain but they’ll keep. I’ve got to go work out what shoes go best with a polyester bellbottom jumpsuit.

Oh, and a big PS. As for this little link to what I’m currently watching–file Eastbound and Down under MUST SEE. I’m talking to you, DANORIFFIC.

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