I Break My Own Heart

I break my own heart
Against barren rocks I
slam it hammer it it push it.
Pausing only to wipe the blood
and dirt from my eyes.

I break my own heart.
Like a stubborn child
I will not listen to reason,
or be held
in loving arms.

I choose instead to run
toothless and cackling
through the streets.
My knuckles raw from pounding,
filthy with pain,
blind with rage.
My heart broken.

————————————————–

I wrote that poem in 1992 and continue to write varying versions of it regularly. It is the underlying thread in the fabric of my life.

I can see my crazy choices as I’m making them, but I make them anyway. For the most part I don’t mind. I know that the cosmos/my subconscious/whatever contains deeper reasoning that I don’t always see right away. I have long since stopped regretting past bad decisions because I know I had no alternative but to make them. I am not here to be content. Some of us can sort that, and most of us get to be content some of the time. But there are bigger fish to fry. And hopefully, we learn something with each dubious choice and make a slightly better one on the next go-round.

The last couple of days have been difficult for me emotionally because of a relationship that I want very much to sort. I lead a blessed life, I am surrounded by love, I am offered cosmopolitan experiences at every turn. This weekend alone I was treated to a free dinner and drinks at a cunty new hotel and the next day handed tickets, champagne, and stellar company to see Kiki and Herb’s sold out, brain-meltingly good show. On top of that I had deep, loving conversations with close people in my life. I am so very grateful for all that I have.

And yet many times I choose to focus on the smaller things. I choose impossible situations for myself and then rail at the sky when they prove to be impossible. I love people who aren’t equipped to love me back the way that I need, I ingest things that are unhealthy for my body, I don’t sleep because I’m festering. I don’t create because I’m too busy destroying.

It’s exhausting.

Someone I am very close to is experiencing some difficult mental machinations right now as well, and as I sat quietly, for once, thinking about it all, one word came bubbling to the surface and hung there in my brain in neon lights.

Trauma.

Oooooh…

We are all sorting through the debris of trauma in our lives. Small trauma, large trauma, doesn’t matter. Each one of us is hurting in some way. We are putting back pieces, starting bands, raising kids, working jobs, behaving as if we are sane when madness lies just under the surface, waiting for a mere scratch to come bubbling up and taint everything with anxiety and harsh words and pills popped. It’s a miracle we can all get up and do anything under the weight of all the trauma we have experienced.

Seeing this word caused a dam to break inside of my heart. Suddenly I have so much compassion for myself. For my friends. For those who have wronged me. We are all doing the best we can under our own varied circumstances. We must be gentle and forgiving with ourselves and with each other, it’s the only way to keep the madness, the sadness, the badness at bay.

That’s all I’ve got for you today.

Advertisements

Serenity Now

Soooo…I haven’t been blogging much lately. Inspiration comes and goes and I’ve had some entertaining adventures, but I’ve maintained radio silence to protect the people I love until everything in my life, which is very much in transition, sorts itself into a more peaceful place.

I can tell you this much. I danced on the edge of a quiet insanity for most of 2015. It was excruciating but weirdly exhilarating at the same time, like standing at the edge of a cliff looking down. At the beginning of this year I knew I had no choice but to take a break from my 13 year relationship, which I had, prior to the chaos of last year, assumed, would have sworn on a stack of bibles, was the final and perfect relationship for me. Put a fork in it, I’m happy and done.

None of it has made much sense on paper. I have caused intense pain to someone I love very deeply who has always been loyal, loving, generous, thoughtful and kind. I am horrified at my own capacity for destruction. My family is beyond irritated with me. Half my friends think I’m insane, the other half shake their heads and mutter, “mid-life crisis”.  I am terrified that I am making enormous mistakes that I will come to regret and which will inevitably lead to the just reward of dying alone on an ice floe much like the silent screen harlots that came before me.


But I’ve been doing my homework and have learned that this is not an uncommon occurrence for women in perio-menopause. All those lovely hormones that drive us to couple up and nest go kablooey and suddenly we refuse to cook dinner for our loved ones anymore and opt instead to run wild in the streets on our orthopedic old lady shoes. It’s not a pretty picture.

If you are interested, Dr. Christiane Northrup is amazing and hits on this in these videos.




I’m trying to roll with it and trust that there is a higher plan for all of us that we don’t always see right away. And I’m doing a lot of inner work.I am so fucking sick of inner work. Why can’t wisdom and serenity be derived from wine and percocet? But continue it must or go mad. Attempting to stay in the moment and meditating and quiet time and yoga and writing crap down. And randomly bursting into tears at the anything on TV, that seems to be on the menu as well. Eat a bag of dicks, ASPCA ads!

Sigh… I am lucky to be surrounded by some very aware people, and have had a couple of intense/interesting psychic readings during this time of chaos, which ended up more like life-coaching sessions with dead loved ones chiming in here and there. I have been told that I have to go back and heal childhood shit, which of course you don’t need to be a psychic to know that this applies to almost everyone. But I did get some specific advice and upon reviewing my notes some 8-9 months later I see that much of it could apply to anyone.

So while I’m working on my mid-life crisis, I thought I could at least throw some things out there that other people could use: Let go of pre-conceived ideas and go to the basis of what real love is about.
The answer lies in self-love.

It’s okay to feel love when you say it, look people in the eye and allow yourself to experience it.
Be more spontaneous.

It’s okay to say no. When in doubt, don’t. Choose to be gentle and non-reactive. Walk softly. Stop being so judgmental. This is not your last lifetime and you are going to see some of these people again.
[UGH!! Noooo! I guess that means this standard behavior is out– 1:05 mark]


Quiet time is imperative.

Mood swings are a signal that I am not grounded.

Be truthful with myself on all accounts.

So that’s it for today. I will try to bring you something more entertaining soon.