Tales from the Shire

Hallloooo, my friends! I know I haven’t posted anything lately, there just hasn’t been any burning desire to announce or describe anything. Sometimes it’s necessary to refuel the spirit a bit before having something to say, even for a constant opinionator like myself.


I am in the woods of Michigan until Friday, I’ve been here since last Saturday and it’s been delightful, as always. Most of you have already seen the blogs and pictures from the last two summers. Mike gave me his old camera and I’m trying to learn how to use it, so if I have any great (or even marginally interesting) photos I’ll post them when I get home. I haven’t been in Meijers yet so I haven’t gotten any good big butt photos, that’s always a favorite. This is the best one from last year:


 



 


There’s nothing better than a trip to Northern Michigan to make a NY girl feel like a waif. Although, on that tip, after the usual constant and shameful eating that happens here, I will be embarking on a fat flush once home. Unless, of course, I want to get a job as a cashier at Meijers, then I’m golden no matter how much pasta and pie is consumed. Which could be a possibility as I recently learned that the person in charge of handling my job while I’m gone completely eradicated the most important and number-packed Excel file I use on my work computer. On the first day no less. The gays are evil when you make them do things they don’t want to do. I’ll be rebuilding for weeks. 


Drew had to leave halfway through the trip because one of his bands, GOD FIRES MAN, got a tour doing direct support for Filter. It’s a great opportunity for the band but a big drag for our summer vacation. We look forward to it all year and were really ready for some serious doing of nothing. But he did get a lot of swimming in, and we had a great week together. I was hoping to use some of the free time to write, but so far that desire hasn’t hit. It has been a little sad and boring not to have Drew around, but I’ve been calling him every hour with tedious and minute details just to make up for it. I lay upside down in a chair and twirl my hair and talk and talk and talk. He just loves it.

 
And speaking of minor details, can we stop with superhot girls like this confessing their love for my bf on his band pages:
 



 
Blargh. Like I need this? I’m not going to get into actual numbers, but lets just say I could be her mommy.


I get people confessing their love on here as well, but it goes more like this:


CSFH WERE MY FAV BAND IN THE EARLY 90’S, STILL LISTEN TO THE CD FREQUENTLY AND HAVE TURNED ALOT OF FRIENDS ON TO YOUR MUSIC BY BURNING AND SENDING CD’S. ANYWAY I ADORE YOU, YOU ARE EROTIC, EXQUISTE, EXCITING, ABSOLUTLEY BEAUTIFUL, YOU GET THE PIC. I WANTED TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID TO ME ONE NIGHT AT HAMMERJACKS (R.I.P.) IN BALTIMORE, I WAS AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE YOU WERE REAL CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE STAGE, WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND YOU CAME CLOSER TO THE EDGE, KNELT DOWN AND TOLD ME “OPEN YOUR MOUTH” WHICH OF COURSE I WILLINGLY DID AND YOU LEANED OVER AND LET YOUR SPIT SENSUALLY ROLL OFF YOUR TOUNGE AND RIGHT INTO MY WAITING MOUTH, IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST SENSOUS, EXCITING, EROTIC MOMENTS OF MY LIFE!! I DONT THINK I USED SCOPE FOR A WEEK. STILL REMEMBER THE FEELING AFTER ALMOST 20 YEARS!!!! YOU CAN SEE SOME OF MY PICS ON MY SPACE, BUT I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN YOU INTOXICATED ME WITH YOUR SPIT!


Lesson learned: spitting in someone’s mouth during a show may seem like just punishment to YOUR drunken rock and roll ass, but to them it might be something worth cherishing, and therefore something that might bite your spitting self in that same ass many years later, when you’re trying to pretend to be a mature and rational adult. 


And then there’s this bit of poetry:


Subject:

do you have any idea how long youve been in my spank bank?
Body:
hi


Jealous ladies? I know you are.

This is the list of things (besides the sexy new term “spank bank”) I’ve learned so far this summer:


–The decision not to have children is a sound one, verified by my sister’s pleading eyes and panicked whispering of “Please don’t make me go with them!!” as her husband and whining, cranky 4-old got ready to leave.


–It’s not the best idea to watch violent zombie movies by yourself in remote cottages in the woods.


–When your woodsy mom (new nickname: Grambo) says, “Oh, it’s just a little hike right up the hill.”, what she really means is that you will be trudging in the glaring sunlight, up extremely steep slopes and through prickly foliage for well over an hour. Do yourself a favor and strap on a canteen.


–It is possible to watch the extended DVD versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy in 3 days. 


Lastly (and the only real bit of important information you will cull from this blog), my mother and I went to this place: http://www.creationsoap.com/ and it was an interesting experience for me. These people (one couple, actually) make some stuff called Ancient Healer Salve that I love, and she offered to drive me to the farm where everything is made in their little barn.

We spoke to Anna, the woman who creates the products, which are sold all over through health food kind of places, and also at Barneys in Japan. She said that they have been approached to do a “vanity line”, meaning elegant packaging and separate products (eye cream, face cream, serums, etc.) but that she maintains that is just about sales and not necessary for anything other than profit.

They have a business philosophy in which they want to keep their products affordable and available to everyone. They use high quality natural ingredients and plants off of their farm, and I can tell you that everything I’ve tried so far is great. If you’re looking for non-chemical alternatives for face and bodycare, I highly recommend them, I’m going to switch out once my excruciatingly expensive and packed with chemicals Chanel shit is used up. And if you have any questions, email Anna, she seems pretty friendly and happy to answer them.


All right. Back to eating pie. My sister has promised chocolate cream if I’m able to babysit her son for an hour without losing him. I’m drinking a beer right now so I’m nice and loose when they arrive. I hear children and imbibing go well together.
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Happy 4th of July!

Mike’s BBQ…

TIMMY (turning around to ash his cigarette): There’s a kid behind me.

(We turn, there’s a little boy with food smeared all over his face jumping up and down on a lawn chair)

Me: Oh ick. And he’s filthy. This is simply not acceptable.

Drew: Send him down to the basement with Uncle Bob and his silly powder. Family fun!

Me: MICHAEL. Did you kill my playlist??

MIKE (dancing past my chair): Yes! No more classic rock! The gays want something FUNKY.

Me: Goddamnit. I really hate it when you get funky. This sucks! My ears are sad. Look at Timmy, he’s drooping!

Timmy (blowing out smoke): I’m drooping. And there’s a kid behind me. Give her back the remote.

Me: Is this Neil Diamond? Are we actually listening to Neil Diamond right now? Agh! The life is draining out of me! Give me that remote!

BOB (holding the sound system remote out of my reach): You know, if I wasn’t high on massive amounts of mushrooms right now, my feelings might be hurt.

Orange colored, overly made up Long Island girl standing behind me to her equally spray-tanned friend: You drinkin’ the Mike’s Lemonade? How’s the berry?

Me (yanking Mike’s arm and pulling him down towards my chair): Michael, this guest list is out of hand.

Timmy: Bro, I hate kids.

Mike: It’s only once a year! Want some drugs? The fireworks are going to start soon!

Drew: Hey Mike, I think those random Korean cleaning ladies you invited just stole all the chicken. How’s the berry??

Bob: This is going to be my America mix! Next up, Born In the USA by Springsteen.

Me: Sigh…