Ever get the feeling that your friends are leading more exciting lives than you? I know mine are:
| from: | unclecranky | ||
| to: | MISS Raffaele |
||
| date: | Sun, Jan 8, 2012 at 8:27 PM |
CHANG MAI, THAILAND
|
Category: Bonge
More Unicorns and Rainbows
I have a friend who is a member of a certain well known motorcycle club and I’m constantly trying to incorporate him into my writing world somehow because he’s always angry but in the most hilarious kind of way that I find completely entertaining. He, of course, will have nothing to do with my shenanigans, which have included trying to steal his overseas bike trip itineraries (to scan and post because they look so cool) and grilling him about his sex life.
I want to make him an internet star, but as he is a one percenter in the traditional sense of the term, and living a truly interesting rebel life, he wants nothing to do with my nonsense. So I figure I’ll just post our text and email rounds here once in a while, as those are pretty funny on their own:
ME:
Just drunkenly fell on my knee outside BE. That guy JT is the bomb. Love you!
December 9 1:15am
HIM:
HA HA. YOU DRUNKEN TWAT.
December 9 1:21am
ME:
Totally, and FUCK YOU!
December 9 1:22am
HIM:
IT’S L.T. NOT J.T. ANYWAY.
December 9 1:41am
ME:
Whatevs! Awesome to see you. xoxoxoxo
December 9 1:42am
[Ed note: Yes, I did text “whatevs”. And yes, I hate myself for it.]
HIM:
XXX. DEAR BLOGGIES, HAD A WONDERFUL NIGHT OUT. GOT ALL DOLLED UP IN AN ELEGANT BLACK COCKTAIL DRESS, ADDED THE COCKTAILS AND THEN ROLLED IN THE GUTTER WITH THE BUMS ON THE BOWERY.
December 9 10:29am
ME:
Goddamnit, I was going to leave that part out.
December 9 10:35am
HIM:
STICK TO THE SHORT VERSION GIRL. NOBODY READS THE FINE PRINT AND DETAILS ANYMORE…YOUR EDITOR, UNCLE CRANKY. XX
December 9 10:45am
——————
HIM:
DEAR PRINCESS STUMBLE BUM, I NEED MARIA’S PHONE NUMBER. I’M SURE THAT YOU GOT IT IN YOUR LITTLE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, POCKET FILE CABINET. THANK YOU SUGAR DUMPLING.
December 13 11:23am
ME:
How dare you interrupt my regal slumber as I sit upon a royal vinyl throne in the New York City jury pool? Now I must sit here semi-awake and pray for swift release. Her number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.
December 13 11:25am
HIM:
LET THEM KNOW WHO’S TEXTING YOU AND THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN ESCORT OUT OF THERE, AND SOME CAB FARE HOME OR TO THE CLOSEST GIN MILL OF YOUR CHOICE. I GOTTA GO MUG SOMEONE.
December 13 11:44am
ME:
I thought about that! You are always full of good ideas and now maybe you’ll get me out of jury duty.
December 13 11:47am
HIM:
I TRY TO HELP WHERE I CAN TO MAKE THIS LAND A BETTER PLACE TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN, PAY OUR TAXES AND MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE. NOW FUCK OFF, I’M BUSY.
December 13 12:09pm
Unicorns & Rainbows
From: M. Raffaele
Subject: Photos!
To: Uncle Cranky
Date: Tuesday, July 19, 2011, 7:08 PM
PHOTOS!
From: Uncle Cranky
Subject: Photos!
To: M. Raffaele <darklady1@gmail.com>
Date: Tuesday, Jul 19, 2011 at 8:31 PM
On Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 8:31 PM, Uncle Cranky wrote:
From: M. Raffaele
Subject: Photos
To: Uncle Cranky
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 8:17 AM
Haha! What do you mean, you “LOOK” like a grouch?? Is this news to you?
Did we really abandon you halfway through the night? I didn’t eat any dinner before going out and I got so blotto my boyfriend had to come and get me. Then I slipped off my shoe in the hallway of my building and sprained my ankle. Veeerrrrrry classy indeed. And yes, I totally pinned it on your strong drinks. What can I say, I’m a horrible person. It’s why we’re friends.
Text me or Zoe when you get back into town from riding burros in the mountains of Peru or whatever it is you’re doing overseas this summer.
XOXOXOXOXO
From: Uncle Cranky
Subject: HOW DARE YOU??
To: M. Raffaele
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 11:38 AM
On Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 11:38 AM, Uncle Cranky wrote:
I AM NOT A FUCKIN GROUCH ! ! ! *!@:#!@!!@#!!*
From: M. Raffaele <darklady1@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: HOW DARE YOU ! !
To: Uncle Cranky
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 12:38 PM
You are a golden, magical unicorn in a forest of rare gems and exotic orchids.
From: Uncle Cranky
Subject: HOW DARE YOU??
To: M. Raffaele
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 5:52 PM
On Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 5:52 PM, Uncle Cranky wrote:
| ahhh, thats better,……but, ……YOU FORGOT THE FUCKIN RAINBOWS ! ! ! |
No Advice for the Needy
M. Raffaele to Steve Bonge [aka Uncle Cranky]:
Subject: Good morning!
Message:
I have a headache from boozing it up! Always fun to see you.
So I have a friend who is putting together an online zine about rock and roll and whatever else she feels like putting in there. I think I should propose an “Ask Uncle Cranky” advice column, no?? It would be hilarious. Come on. OR, we could do it on my blog, the link is below.
Photos of our night out are attached.
xoxoxox
Raff
Steve Bonge to M. Raffaele
Subject: MY FUCKING LIFE ! ! …….AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Message:
HEY,
HERE’S A PICTURE FOR YOUR BLOG (? ? IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL IT ? ?).
NOW YOU CAN FEEL MY PAIN, GIRLY. THE HEADACHE YOU HAVE TODAY IS A RESULT OF YOUR RECKLESS ACTIONS LAST NIGHT,… DON’T BLAME THE INNOCENT BARTENDER (ME) FOR YOUR WILLY NILLY DECISIONS. I ONLY POURED IT IN THE GLASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT POURED IT DOWN YOUR THROAT.
HENCE THE HEADACHE. IF YOUR LOOKING FOR A ”HANGOVER SCAPEGOAT” YOUR BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
”ASK UNCLE CRANKY” IS A WONDERFUL IDEA, AND AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO HELP THE HELPLESS MASSES THERES ONLY SO MUCH ”U.C. 666” TO GO AROUND, WITHOUT IT BECOMING ANOTHER THANKLESS JOB THAT CONSUMES MY DISMAL LIFE OF PUNCHING IDIOTS AND FUCKING MY PROSTITUTE FRIENDS, WHICH IS ACTUALLY ALOT OF WORK AT MY RIPE AND FEISTY AGE.
IT BOGGLES MY MIND HOW YOU HAVE THE TIME TO ”GO BLOGGING” OR WHAT EVER ITS CALLED WITH THE CYBERSPACE.CROWD, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DIG MY BIKE OUT OF THE SNOW, HELL… ILL EVEN COME OUT TO HAND YOU THE SHOVEL.
LET ME KNOW THE NEXT TIME YOU TWO BUFFOONS ARE ”OUT ON THE TOWN” AS I FELT CHEATED BEING STUCK BEHIND THE BAR, AND WAS STUCK THERE, STILL, LONG AFTER YOU’S LEFT.
BONGE AKA UNCLE M.F.IN CRANKY
MISS ANTHROPE'S HOUSE OF HIGH DRAMA 