Uncle Cranky’s Excellent Adventure

Ever get the feeling that your friends are leading more exciting lives than you? I know mine are:

from:  unclecranky
to:  MISS Raffaele
date:  Sun, Jan 8, 2012 at 8:27 PM


CHANG MAI, THAILAND


ALL IS GOOD,    
 I AM NORTH OF THE FLOODING, IT IS DOWN IN SOUTHERN THAILAND, WE HAVE A CHARTER IN PHUKET, SOME OF THEM HAD TROUBLE GETTING NORTH TO BANGKOK TO LEAVE WITH US ON TIME, BUT IT ALL WORKED OUT. HAD A WILD NEW YEARS EVE PARTY, MY EARS ARE STILL NUMB FROM ALL THE FIREWORKS I LIT OFF. I RODE SOME ELEPHANTS, MADE FRIENDS WITH SOME MONK IN THE MOUNTAINS WITH 80 FULL GROWN TIGERS (TIGER SANTUARY) AND HUNG OUT ON SOME BEACH IN THE MOUNTAINS, THAT WAS VERY NICE. I AM UP IN CHANG MAI TODAY AT NEAR THE TOP OF THAILAND AND WILL HEAD FURTHER NORTH TOMORROW. WE HAVE ABOUT 35 GUYS ON BIKES WITH ME (SOME H.A. FROM OTHER COUNTRIES, AND A THAI BIKE CLUB CALLED DEVILS MESSENGERS TRAVELING WITH US) WILL RIDE AROUND THE COUNTRY TILL NEXT WEEK.
THE POLICE IN CHANG MAI GAVE US A POLICE ESCORT AROUND TOWN COMPLETE WITH LIGHTS AND SIRENS, ”THEY WERE TOLD WE ARE FAMOUS”….dumb bastards! WE WILL RIDE TO THE ”NORTHERN MOST POINT OF THAILAND, CONTINUE ALONG THE ”GOLDEN TRIANGLE” MEETING POINT OF ”BURMA – ”LAOS” – AND ”THAILAND” AND FOLLOW THE ”MAE KONG RIVER” SOUTH, FOR A BIT, THEN BACK DOWN TO BANGKOK. LONG TRIP WITH LOTS OF MILES. BE BACK SOON.

Advertisements

More Unicorns and Rainbows

I have a friend who is a member of a certain well known motorcycle club and I’m constantly trying to incorporate him into my writing world somehow because he’s always angry but in the most hilarious kind of way that I find completely entertaining. He, of course, will have nothing to do with my shenanigans, which have included trying to steal his overseas bike trip itineraries (to scan and post because they look so cool) and grilling him about his sex life. 

I want to make him an internet star, but as he is a one percenter in the traditional sense of the term, and living a truly interesting rebel life, he wants nothing to do with my nonsense. So I figure I’ll just post our text and email rounds here once in a while, as those are pretty funny on their own:



ME:
Just drunkenly fell on my knee outside BE. That guy JT is the bomb. Love you!
December 9 1:15am


HIM:
HA HA. YOU DRUNKEN  TWAT.
December 9 1:21am


ME:
Totally, and FUCK YOU!
December 9 1:22am


HIM:
IT’S L.T. NOT J.T. ANYWAY.
December 9 1:41am


ME:
Whatevs! Awesome to see you. xoxoxoxo
December 9 1:42am
[Ed note: Yes, I did text “whatevs”. And yes, I hate myself for it.]


HIM:
XXX. DEAR BLOGGIES, HAD A WONDERFUL NIGHT OUT. GOT ALL DOLLED UP IN AN ELEGANT BLACK COCKTAIL DRESS, ADDED THE COCKTAILS AND THEN ROLLED IN THE GUTTER WITH THE BUMS ON THE BOWERY.
December 9 10:29am


ME:
Goddamnit, I was going to leave that part out.
December 9 10:35am


HIM:
STICK TO THE SHORT VERSION GIRL. NOBODY READS THE FINE PRINT AND DETAILS ANYMORE…YOUR EDITOR, UNCLE CRANKY. XX
December 9 10:45am


——————


HIM:
DEAR PRINCESS STUMBLE BUM, I NEED MARIA’S PHONE NUMBER. I’M SURE THAT YOU GOT IT IN YOUR LITTLE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, POCKET FILE CABINET. THANK YOU SUGAR DUMPLING.
December 13 11:23am


ME:
How dare you interrupt my regal slumber as I sit upon a royal vinyl throne in the New York City jury pool? Now I must sit here semi-awake and pray for swift release. Her number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.
December 13 11:25am


HIM:
LET THEM KNOW WHO’S TEXTING YOU AND THEY WILL GIVE YOU AN ESCORT OUT OF THERE, AND SOME CAB FARE HOME OR TO THE CLOSEST GIN MILL OF YOUR CHOICE. I GOTTA GO MUG SOMEONE.
December 13 11:44am


ME:
I thought about that! You are always full of good ideas and now maybe you’ll get me out of jury duty.
December 13 11:47am


HIM:
I TRY TO HELP WHERE I CAN TO MAKE THIS LAND A BETTER PLACE TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN, PAY OUR TAXES AND MAKE THAT DIFFERENCE. NOW FUCK OFF, I’M BUSY.
December 13 12:09pm

Unicorns & Rainbows

From: M. Raffaele
Subject: Photos!
To: Uncle Cranky

Date: Tuesday, July 19, 2011, 7:08 PM

PHOTOS!


From: Uncle Cranky
Subject: Photos!
To: M. Raffaele <darklady1@gmail.com>
Date: 
Tuesday, Jul 19, 2011 at 8:31 PM


On Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 8:31 PM, Uncle Cranky wrote:

BOY, DO I LOOK LIKE A GROUCH !  !   WHAT THE FUCK, DID YOU DO, PHOTO SHOP PHOTO # 4 ?   I LOOK LIKE I GOT ONE TOOTH IN ME MOUTH ! !    I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE WAY YOU TWO TWATS ABANDON ME HALF WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT, GO UPSTAIRS, BOOZE IT UP THERE FOR ”HOURS”, THEN BLAME ME FOR GETTING YOU DRUNK,…NICE,…NICE
YOU PAL, UNCLE CRANKY, ”THE ALCOHOL SCAPEGOAT”



From: M. Raffaele
Subject: Photos
To: Uncle Cranky
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 8:17 AM

Haha! What do you mean, you “LOOK” like a grouch?? Is this news to you? 


Did we really abandon you halfway through the night? I didn’t eat any dinner before going out and I got so blotto my boyfriend had to come and get me. Then I slipped off my shoe in the hallway of my building and sprained my ankle. Veeerrrrrry classy indeed. And yes, I totally pinned it on your strong drinks. What can I say, I’m a horrible person. It’s why we’re friends.

Text me or Zoe when you get back into town from riding burros in the mountains of Peru or whatever it is you’re doing overseas this summer.

XOXOXOXOXO


From: Uncle Cranky
Subject: HOW DARE YOU??
To: M. Raffaele 

 Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 11:38 AM

On Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 11:38 AM, Uncle Cranky wrote:

I AM NOT A FUCKIN GROUCH ! ! !  *!@:#!@!!@#!!*
From: M. Raffaele <darklady1@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: HOW DARE YOU ! !
To: Uncle Cranky
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 12:38 PM

You are a golden, magical unicorn in a forest of rare gems and exotic orchids.


From: Uncle Cranky
Subject: HOW DARE YOU??
To: M. Raffaele
Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 5:52 PM

On Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 5:52 PM, Uncle Cranky wrote:

ahhh, thats better,……but, ……YOU FORGOT THE FUCKIN RAINBOWS ! ! !

No Advice for the Needy

M. Raffaele to Steve Bonge [aka Uncle Cranky]:

Subject: Good morning!

Message:
 I have a headache from boozing it up! Always fun to see you.

So I have a friend who is putting together an online zine about rock and roll and whatever else she feels like putting in there. I think I should propose an “Ask Uncle Cranky” advice column, no?? It would be hilarious. Come on. OR, we could do it on my blog, the link is below.

Photos of our night out are attached.

xoxoxox
Raff

Steve Bonge to M. Raffaele

Subject: MY FUCKING LIFE ! ! …….AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Message:
HEY,
HERE’S A PICTURE FOR YOUR BLOG (? ? IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL IT ? ?).
NOW YOU CAN FEEL MY PAIN, GIRLY.  THE HEADACHE YOU HAVE TODAY IS A RESULT OF YOUR RECKLESS ACTIONS LAST NIGHT,… DON’T BLAME THE INNOCENT BARTENDER (ME) FOR YOUR WILLY NILLY DECISIONS. I ONLY POURED IT IN THE GLASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT POURED IT DOWN YOUR THROAT.
HENCE THE HEADACHE. IF YOUR LOOKING FOR A ”HANGOVER SCAPEGOAT” YOUR BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
”ASK UNCLE CRANKY” IS A WONDERFUL IDEA, AND AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO HELP THE HELPLESS MASSES THERES ONLY SO MUCH ”U.C. 666”   TO GO AROUND, WITHOUT IT BECOMING ANOTHER THANKLESS JOB THAT CONSUMES MY DISMAL LIFE OF PUNCHING IDIOTS AND FUCKING MY PROSTITUTE FRIENDS, WHICH IS ACTUALLY ALOT OF WORK AT MY RIPE AND FEISTY AGE.
IT BOGGLES MY MIND HOW YOU HAVE THE TIME TO ”GO BLOGGING” OR WHAT EVER ITS CALLED WITH THE CYBERSPACE.CROWD, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DIG MY BIKE OUT OF THE SNOW,  HELL… ILL EVEN COME OUT TO HAND YOU THE SHOVEL.
LET ME KNOW THE NEXT TIME YOU TWO BUFFOONS ARE ”OUT ON THE TOWN” AS I FELT CHEATED BEING STUCK BEHIND THE BAR, AND WAS STUCK THERE, STILL, LONG AFTER YOU’S LEFT.       
BONGE AKA UNCLE M.F.IN CRANKY