Still Learning

As many of you know, I’m a Vanderpump Rules fan. I’ve been watching it since it first aired some ten years ago, and was richly rewarded for that devotion when all things Vanderpump exploded this season. This is not going to be an entry about this particular reality show, but it did lead me to some interesting insight into my own life, which I would like to share.

The grand villain of VPR is a douchebag, manipulating and lying his way through some truly garbage behavior, with gusto. And the internet has gone crazy. Most of the world would forget about it if he would own up to it, but he continues to lie and has never apologized with sincerity, and continues to get dragged. His ego will not allow him to admit defeat and it is his undoing.

During my obsessive viewing, listening to podcasts, instagram posts, insider gossip, and anything else related to this scandal, I was exposed to discussion and information about clinically diagnosed narcissistic behavior. Most fans believe, and I have come to agree, that this particular guy is a narcissist. We can’t know that with certainty just from watching an edited show, but if you go down the list of behaviors he fits nicely into the box.

This is a list of narcissistic traits that I got from Duke Health online.

1. Sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success 
3. Entitled
4. Can only be around people who are important or special
5. Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
6. Arrogant
7. Lack empathy
8. Must be admired
9. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

While awash in all of this info regarding a person that I feel like I know, but don’t really because it’s a TV show, I had a lightbulb moment. I realized that I had one of these people in my world, who ticks off every number on this list. I was heavily influenced by them for quite a while, yet had absolutely no idea it was happening or had happened until just now, some years after no contact.

For clarity I will call my own villain Patient Zero.

Weeks later, I remain stunned by this awakening enough to feel compelled to write about it. I know I can be oblivious and have loved many a problematic person. My broken ass likes a challenge. And bad people can often be charming and entertaining; it’s a survival skill and aids in their ability to do their bad work. But at this late stage in the game, at my age, with plenty of therapy and spirit work under my belt, I thought I was a decent judge of character and no longer easy prey to negative influence. It’s disconcerting to know that I am still vulnerable. And it helps me understand how rational, intelligent people end up in cults.

I am currently having conversations with two friends that I fell out with during the time of my friendship with Patient Zero. In both of these cases we recently came together and compared notes. We discovered that we had very little actual beef with each other, and that we had instead all been individually fed lies with the end goal being isolation from one another. Primarily MY isolation.

It worked for a time, until none of us were useful to this person and we were all dumped. Once that happened, and with more time, we were able to clear the cobwebs and find our way back to each other. But I could have easily lost these people forever and indeed I did lose them for a time. And I wonder if there are others that I don’t know about.

I know that most of you will start guessing on who I’m talking about. It’s human nature and gossip is fun. But it’s really not important and I am not writing this in order to out anyone.

Last month I went to a show and the minute we entered the venue I was verbally attacked about my recent surgery, by someone with mental health issues that I would never expect to read anything I write. It was bonkers and somewhat funny, but I was completely taken off guard. As was Sam, who said, “Fisticuffs already? We just walked in!”

Happily I was able to diffuse a ridiculous situation: one old lady attacking another old lady about the state of her face (pilot for Real Housewives of Downtown!?). But it was a reminder that while I write with friends in mind, not all who read what I write are friendly. I am not afraid to be honest, I choose to be as open as possible for good reason. But I have to remain acutely aware to tread lightly when it’s not directly about me.

I’m so blown away by this experience, and by how much time and distance was necessary to see it clearly. I was duped for YEARS and I didn’t sort it out in my head until YEARS had passed..

How does that happen? Very easily, I’m learning. It’s important to know that no matter how smart we are, there are smarter, crafty, fucked up people in the world who will happily manipulate our triggers, our desires, our insecurities, to satisfy their own needs. Despite the fact that I am had been trolled plenty in this life, I still tend to assume that people who want to be friends just want to be friends.

During that time period I also blew up a relationship that meant a lot to me, that I intended to keep for life. It was a midlife crisis that needed to happen and I’ve written about it enough. I’m doing fantastic now and I think that was me clearing out buried damage, with the relationship being collateral in the demolition. But it’s taken me a lot of sadness to get over it, a lot of guilt, a lot of self-hatred, a lot of despair that I am fucked up beyond repair.

I don’t blame Patient Zero for any of that. I made my choices, no one else. But I do see that I was buried in someone else’s toxicity and being purposely and gleefully pushed around a chess board with lies and half truths. I am convinced that this person got off on the games with all of the people in their life, feeling smarter and more in control than all of these intelligent, well-meaning people who had no idea what was really happening.

I was convinced to let go of people that could have helped me get clearer, faster. They were talked into doing the same with me: whispers in our ears, over the phone, through other people, all the time. Thank God we were all discarded when we were no longer of use, which then freed us up to compare notes.

All of it, I realize now, was a form of abuse. I was abused in a friendship. That one sentence is difficult for me to reconcile. I don’t like feeling weak or easily influenced. But I was, and I thought it was all me, that I was crazy. I was behaving like a crazy person, but not without some expert guidance down that slippery slope.

So I guess I’m here to say, yet again, in another form, that if it something doesn’t feel right, it’s your intuition telling you to pause and examine yourself and the people around you. And if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. And if you have a tendency to love charming assholes, you’ve gotta be on high alert when a new one rolls in looking all shiny and ready to party.

I know this life is a soul journey and I remain open and full of gratitude. I don’t want to live paranoid. But I’m also still learning. To the people that I hurt during that time of chaos, I truly apologize. I was having a hard time and not my best self. To the friends who patiently waited for me to get clear, who spent hours over many bottles of wine poring over details and reassuring me that it would be okay, I thank you. To the people who warned me repeatedly, I hear you now and I respect your wisdom. Thank you and I’m sorry it took me so long. Next time a villain shows up, I will be better prepared. And maybe by sharing this you will be too.

Namaste, bitches.