You Had Me at Popper Burns

It has occurred to me that I’ve become pretty boring lately, and for this I apologize.

I haven’t done drugs with supermodels in some time. At the moment there’s no one that needs beating up or a written rant. I’m not depressed or acting out in any way. I haven’t been forced into any annoying hipster gigs or paparrazzi-filled bottle service clubs in quite some time. I haven’t sat next to Lilo on a banquette in forever. I have no idea what Lemmy’s been up to lately.

Everything comes in cycles, and this serenity will pass. In the meantime, some things on my mind:

My gorgeous and extremely talented friend Storm Large has been commissioned to do a one woman show in Portland. It’s called CRAZY ENOUGH and today is the opening date so it’s on my mind heavily, especially because I don’t think I’m going to be able to take the time off work to get out there to see it. If you are anywhere near Portland you should go, you will not be disappointed. I have known many incredibly entertaining people in my life and Storm is at the top of that list. Every time I watch her perform I feel as if my heart is going to burst.

Why can’t someone create an attractive vegan, eco-friendly shoe? I get emails touting new designers with a heart and I gamely head to their sites and inevitably its as if someone ate too much of the 80’s and vomited THIS back up. Bleah. If I wanted a splatter paint kibble heel I’d go to my favorite bum on Avenue A and 2nd Street. He’ll sell me a pair for $2 and throw in a slightly stained paperback to maintain positive customer relations. Stella McCartney is doing her part, I suppose, but I cannot justify (nor afford) $1300 for a pair of raffia shoes.

And on that tip – ladies, if you haven’t already, go to my friend Chloe Jo’s site and sign up for the GIRLIE GIRL ARMY. It’s a “guide to glamazon living”. She is totally hot and smart and she sends out the best emails full of sample sales, gossip, interesting tidbits, and yes, vegan recipes. She’s very active in animal rights and does a lot of work with FARM SANCTUARY, but is always looking for ways to bring glamour and fun to women with a consciousness. I’m completely jealous of her and she makes me want to be a better person without lecturing, but even if you’re not into being a vegan she’s got great insider info on sales, health, beauty, contests, etc.

Speaking of the ladies, I am noticing that almost all of my girls are single right now. And I’m not talking about the psychos (Drew from the other room: “ALL of your friends are psycho, Mary!”). Feh! Perhaps! But I know some very attractive and interesting women with careers and lives of their own who do not bring the crazy every day, who are refusing to date anymore because it’s so shitty out there. I think I’m going to research this and do a report for y’all. NOT that I think it’s imperative to have a man, I’m just curious about this current phenom of rampant singledom.

Oh– but I will leave you with pretty good blind item..I have a friend who shall remain nameless who is currently suffering from popper burns on his legs and stomach because he dropped it on himself while doing I don’t want to know what in a partially or fully nude state, very late into the night and after a big night out, which I am pretty sure involved the use of illegal substances. And to him I say: you had me at popper burns. Thank God for the gays, they are magically delicious and keep me from completely fading into respectability.

Author: Raffaele

Rock and roll juggernaut, writer, muse, animal lover, Cycle Slut from Hell, friend, lover, sister, daughter, nerd, fagwoman, Slytherin, killer queen.

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