I had a whole half a blog written about various bits of hate mail I’ve received over the last few months, but I scrapped it. I’ll get to that eventually.
It’s been impossible to fully explain what I’ve been going through for the last year and a half because I haven’t understood it myself: blowing up my life, blowing up Drew’s life, confusion, darkness, drunken excitement, anxiety, guilt, guilt, guilt. Spinning like a kid does looking at the sky and then realizing that I couldn’t stop, the clouds were spinning me, unable to slow down or see or even feel the ground.
The movement is finally slowing enough to begin to feel a modicum of peace. Drew has a new “friend” and is happier and we are talking almost every day in a deeper way than we have in years, and this has freed me to focus on myself and how I got here. I have cried every day for weeks, but it feels more like a burning off of old sadness than a current depression. It’s difficult, painful, but do-able. I’ll get to all that later as well if it seems interesting enough.
In the meantime, this morning I received a most profound, generous, and beautiful letter from my amazing mother that brought with it much clarity. Ordinarily I wouldn’t post something so private, but I think that many of my friends will be able to see themselves in some of what she’s saying. I will also post a link to a radio interview she did if you want to know more about her.
I am being guided to write to you about the childhood things you are trying to clear.
You were always even as a child, very intense, very creative, and very bright. You did not blindly accept everything but tried to conform because you were the child and I was the parent. It was apparent early on that you needed structure, and I was still very catholic and could only give you what I knew at that time which was reflected in the structure as I was taught. This did not resonate with you and so you accumulated a great deal of guilt and confusion over not resonating with what I was telling you. My energy at that time was not your energy, but you tried. You were a very nice person, but often acted out and still do in defense of yourself and your own feelings– little sensitive girl tried very hard to be something she was told she should be, but didn’t feel.
When we carry in cellular memory a lot of some energy, like guilt, it will pop out in all our life experiences because it is right there ready to activate. Many of your experiences of late have caused it to the surface as the easiest emotion to access which in turn then causes you resist and feel like a failure. As you recognize this, you can say; “Oh you again” and then just move on giving it no power. True power, needing no defense, comes as we realize who and what we really are, our true nature for it is already within us just awaiting our recognition.
I am very sorry that I caused so much confusion for you growing up. I was going through a great deal of confusion myself. My world wasn’t working and it was my journey as well. I have discovered that we choose our families to be born into that will activate the energies we need to clear. I came in to a very catholic family in order to move beyond it. I have memories of being in convents and monasteries. It was time for me to move on, but when you were little I had not yet done that.
You choose to be my daughter in order to clear and move beyond an energy of superiority brought with you from lifetimes of being privileged. (this is channeled information)
We have balanced each other in many ways. You opened me to so much especially when I would go to NYC. You were always polite and kind to me even when I was so out of sinc with where you were. I learned to love all the characters and see how narrow my world had been. I think I have helped you to understand who and what you really are on deeper levels.
What you are clearing now is the accumulated guilt about who you are in comparison with some concept of who you think you should be in order to be accepted, spiritual, lovable, a good person etc. etc. This has been reflected in seeking validation from men, from friends etc. Real validation can only come from self. When a person realizes that they already are that which they seek– perfect manifestation of Divine Consciousness, the need to defend, explain, protect etc. the small sense of self just dissolves.
We all seek love and acceptance because that is what we are made of, but each can only seek according to the level of their state of consciousness. You sought it in drinking, partying, affairs, etc. thinking that these old solutions would work, but you are in a new place now, becoming aware that these things are outgrown defense mechanisms.
You are right where you are supposed to be. This is a graduation, a shift into a new and higher state of consciousness in which you can be yourself and feel good about it. We can never lose who and what we are, with all our talents and individuality, it all just shifts to higher and better forms.
I hope this helps you understand what is going on right now. I love you very much. When you were a baby I used to just sit and look at you, such a beautiful child. It is time for you to love you as well.
Lots of love,
Hope this summer finds you healthy and happy my friends.