Notes from Inside the Lava Lamp

Christa Lawrence, who has known me since we were very young, maintains that you can put me in a room full of 300 attractive, emotionally-available men and I will invariably choose the hot one in the corner with a drug habit and and a bad attitude. This myopia carries through all aspects of my life: I currently own four adopted, once-abused and/or abandoned animals, each one with its own weird issue, two of them epileptic. But they look gorgeous. All of the people I truly love are insane. I am drawn to the broken and beautiful, determined to repair. I love the phrase “beautiful wreck”, even though it is better in poetry than it is in real life, and I will ram my head against a problem until it shifts, or (more often) until I cut my head open.

As you can imagine, this over-arching codependency and love of drama has created chaos over the years: hospital visits, drug abuse, broken windows, broken hearts, rivers of tears. Therapy, therapy, therapy, talking, talking, talking. Blah, blah, blah. Once in a while you think you’ve got it together: you don’t snort drugs anymore, you choose higher quality people (look Ma, no junkies!), and only a small and  manageable amount of people still hate your guts. 

But in the end you’re the same person you always were, just with better manners and a cleaner apartment. Given the right opportunity and planetary alignment, my boundaries are still hopelessly skewed. Because, in truth, I am the one that is broken, gluing bits and pieces back together over time.

Over the last year the planets and hormones have aligned themselves in a most chaotic fashion, and I have been emotional, batty, and sick for months with a low grade cold which comes and goes in intensity, but always saps my energy. I am working on it, so please don’t bombard me via facebook with herb and food suggestions, the last time this happened I kept all the wise advice from friends and am utilizing much of it. This is more about finding my way through an energetic vortex than about consuming oil of oregano. 

Some days lately I feel so sad, so angry, so much love, so much desire, so much spinning that I just want to burn my whole life down. Run somewhere and start a cat rescue ranch on a beach. Can you have a cat farm on the beach? Probably not because they don’t like to swim and they’d look at it as one big litter box. 

I had two readings recently, one from my mom and one from a friend who is very thorough and spot on, and as a result is highly in demand. They both said the same thing: clearing old energy. Yeesh.

This from my mom:

“Mary is clearing much old energy from past lifetimes as are most others at this time.  It is a process and must unfold. She will have to deal with the physical as needed, but that too is a clearing of old energy regarding female issues from past lifetimes as well as the clearing of the sacral chakra.

She needs to spend more time quietly, less drinking, socializing, and more going within.  She is focused outwardly too much even when alone and is thus unable hear to her inner voice. This is a powerful time on earth when much change is happening for all. The old ways are fading and disappearing and the new and higher frequencies of Light are coming in in ever increasing intensity. Any resistance will simply make this process more difficult.  

She hopes to keep things as they have always been, but this is not possible. She need not fear the loss of who she is with change, for it only can result and a better “self” as one becomes more enlightened. Be not afraid dear one, for you cling tightly to much that is finished in the belief that it is you. No, it is not you. Much of your work is finished in the forms it has been, but new forms will appear when you are ready. The outer is the inner.  For now you must take time to relax and allow this process to unfold.” 

Less drinking, more meditating? Seriously?? Drew’s response: “But you’re so much happier and nicer when you’re drinking…”

I KNOW.