Not Qualified!

Holy crap! Doing stuff is hard.

I have a very dear friend from childhood who wrote 
THIS BOOK, to much acclaim. When she was in the process of writing her second book, I asked her how it was going, and she said, “The top of my refrigerator has never been cleaner.”

I cut my work hours down to four days a week and have allotted one day per week to just write some shit down in the hope that one day there will be something decent to show the world. Initially I was elated, and I still am in some ways, mostly just because I hate working and the more goof off time the better. But now I’m following the animals around the house, talking to friends on the phone, plucking my eyebrows, rearranging the contents of the underwear drawer, ANYTHING to avoid sitting in front of the computer, where inevitably these phrases roll around in my head:

“You have no idea what you’re doing.”

“This is meandering and boring.”
“There is no way to make this cohesive.”
“People are going to hate this.”
“You can’t remember anything anyway. Let’s see who’s on Dr. Phil today.”

I have always been a master procrastinator and am fascinated by people who just get out there and  do it. I have friends that lead these enormous lives that they’ve created for themselves. No one handed anything to them, they have received no special favors from this world. Still, it seems so magical and mysterious to me that they just got their shit together and DID IT.

So, today, after writing for an hour with those phrases rolling around in my head, I called a friend. This particular friend has recently had some major business partners come into her life to finance her own clothing line. She is clearly talented, has years of experience, and is completely worthy of it, and it’s fabulous that someone has finally noticed the potential and said, “Here’s some money, now get designing.”

She said her floor has never been cleaner. And this week, in the middle of working, she freaked out and called her partner and shrieked into the phone, “NOT QUALIFIED!!!”

I told her I understood completely, and we stayed on the phone for another half an hour, procrastinating by talking about procrastination and the absolute terror of not being qualified that precedes it.
I really don’t know where my life is going to lead, but I’ll continue to enforce this one day a week thing and meander on my computer until something gets done or I drop dead, surrounded by well-attended pets with Dr. Phil droning on in the background. In the meantime, This channel came from my mother’s friend Linda Dewey after the two of them had a conversation about addiction to bad news media, and I am taking great comfort in it as she also touches on the need to achieve. I think some of you might find it interesting as well.

This is the message I received yesterday morning about listening to the media being addictive:

You are finding that addictions are more than physical. In fact, addictions are always mental and sometimes even spiritual. Whatever it is you desire can become a craving. Even a craving for the spiritual can become addictive.

What we mean by addiction is that it becomes out of balance. The human lifestyle, the human life form becomes unbalanced, unhappy, uneven, always seeking, seldom finding, always wanting more. In a sense, this is natural, but in a very real sense, this is highly unnatural and at some point must stop. We don’t see this as giving up or as a form of depression. That would be the shadow side of this stopping. What we see is serenity.

So yes, take that deep breath, and settle into a new form of being. It is a form of being where, on the edge of your conscious mind, your connection to Source lies, ready to be called up at any given moment, so there is no need for reminding. You have not forgotten and will not forget. You see God in and about you. You know that the world outside is the world inside. We have but to yank the chain, as it were, and you run in a myriad of directions, and yet you have this fringe mentality to call upon at any time to achieve the results which you wish.

And what is it exactly that you wish? We would hope it would be to achieve peace within and without yourself, and that peace be in the form of serenity, fulfillment. This is different from achievement. Achievement is more about going out and doing. Fulfillment is about going inside, listening, and then fulfilling. What fulfills me this moment? Not, what goal can I achieve today? Not even, what goal can I achieve in this moment?

Author: Raffaele

Rock and roll juggernaut, writer, muse, animal lover, Cycle Slut from Hell, friend, lover, sister, daughter, nerd, fagwoman, Slytherin, killer queen.

2 thoughts on “Not Qualified!”

  1. Dark One,
    Check out this book, 'Drinking the Rain: A Memoir' by Alix Kates Shulman
    It's a really cool story that this musician Jarboe tipped me off to about 10 years ago.
    Stick with it- I think you'll really dig it.
    – Rustyn


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