My talented and gorgeous friend Rabbit is organizing a night for some of her female friends to get up and read what they’ve been writing. So today I’ve been going through the bits and pieces on my computer and come to the conclusion that everything I have is either too long for reading out loud or feels dated. Which means I’m going to have to come up with something written specifically for the reading. Oh joy.
I did come across this phone conversation between my sister and myself that happened many years ago, and which I wrote down afterward. Since I don’t think I’m going to do anything with it I thought I’d post it here for your entertainment. For clarity’s sake – my sister is the caller, I’m the depressed one…
———————————————-
“Hello.”
“What are ya doin’?
“Um…laying face down in the bed…”
“You know it’s 2 pm. Did you call Mom and wish her a happy Mother’s Day?”
“I was sort of hoping to sober up first.”
“That’s healthy. Did some drinking last night?”
I woke up at 10 am with all my clothes and my boots on, wondering who left the lights on. I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk. And I’m covered in cats so it just seems like it might be too much work to get up.”
“Feeling a little depressed are we?”
“Well, I think I had my first panic attack this week. And I’ve been doing a lot of drinking and dialing. Oh, and I chipped a tooth yesterday with my tongue ring.”
“You chipped a tooth? That’s pretty great! Is it in the front so you can go on Ricki Lake?”
“No. It’s a molar. But I do appreciate the enthusiasm.”
“And actually, that’s not your first panic attack. I remember your first one.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, you almost had to sit down in the middle of the street.”
“I don’t remember that. God, I am so redundant. I can’t even have an original depression.”
“Well, chipping a tooth is new…Maybe you should get out of the house. When was the last time you took the dog out?”
“Hmm..dunno…I have to get my nails done today, which means I can’t bring him with me. Right now he’s running around the house all filthy and crazed with no dog food, kind of like a welfare kid. But Lila knocked the cat food all over the floor so I’m just gonna wait until he eats that. So much easier than vacuuming.”
“That’s fabulous, really great. Wash him off and throw the ball for a minute. And maybe you should eat something, too. You’re going to be very popular at the salon. I wonder what ‘Drunk lady smells bad’ sounds like in Chinese.”
“I’m also on day 14 of my period because of the IUD I had put in right before I got dumped last week.”
“That’s crazy. I think you should call the doctor.”
“I’m sort of secretly hoping to bleed to death. You know, ‘cause then they’ll all be sorry when I’m gone.”
“Yes, that’s the mature way to handle it. I’m not taking the pets if you die.”
“You have to. And I expect a lot of crying at my funeral. And blame. I expect you to make sure there’s a lot of blame being thrown around.”
“All right, fine. But for now get up and wash your face and put some clothes on and go outside. And for God’s sake call Mom.”
Sigh. “All right. I guess I can die after the nails.”
“Yep. Smell ya later.”
“Bye.”
MISS ANTHROPE'S HOUSE OF HIGH DRAMA 