How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I have returned from a vacation in the woods at my mother’s house and am wishing we were still there. The weather was great and we swam nearly every day in crystal clear water. I didn’t bring a camera so there are no new photos, but there’s an old blog HERE with photos of the delightful fairyland that is our regular vacation spot and the home of my family.

Some highlights include:

Constant eating. And I do mean constant. Eggplant Parmesan, clam linguini, stirfries, big breakfasts, rhubarb pie, peach pie, chocolate cake, lemon cake, zucchini bread, banana bread, and the master of them all, chocolate pie with whipped cream. Luckily Michigan is the land of the giant ass so no matter how much you eat you’re still skinnier than most people in Meijers:



By those standards my entire family is anorexic and Drew and I used this as an excuse to eat like we were going to the chair. I also got this from a very nice scale in the mall:


It only cost 50 cents and my sister got a similar message. We both agreed it was a bargain at any price and celebrated by heading to the food court to eat fried food and jeer at the locals.
And speaking of Meijers, my sister claims that the elderly recoiled from me in terror in the grocery store, but I choose to believe that they were simply in awe of my natural beauty and waiflike physique.

Little Ninjas: My three year old nephew in a black satin karate uniform frog hopping and shouting “ai, ai” while punching a mitt held up by his sensei (or whatever you call them). May have been one of the cutest things ever witnessed, and I don’t even really like kids. As an added bonus we got to watch a crazed sugar addict named Austin get booted out halfway through class for running around wildly waving his arms in the air, completely unable to focus for more than five seconds. He got two or three time outs but he was so manic that ousting became inevitable. His very drained mother was a pretty blonde who couldn’t have been older than 22 and carried a baby on her hip. I felt so bad for her that I forgot my loathing of Republican housewifey breeder types for a moment. She looked completely dazed, like one minute she was in a prom dress wondering if she’d remembered to take her birth control pill that morning and then the next woke up with screaming kids hanging off of her.

This asshole barking all night:




Turns out that on top of being epileptic, snappy with strangers and nearly blind, he’s also afraid of the dark and unable to sleep for more than an hour in strange places. On top of that he’s bizarrely allergic to something in the country which makes him scratch and chew at himself noisily late into the night. We finally set him up in the garage with a night light and a bed as far away from everyone as possible so we could get a little sleep. Well, everyone except my mother whose house is closer to the garage than the guest house we were in. Drew made me promise that the dog is staying behind next year, which will save about $300 in flying costs anyway. Luckily I managed to talk my friend Alison into staying with and feeding the herd of cats left behind, so next year I’m just going to casually leave the dog in the apartment without mentioning it to her.

There was a heated argument with my brother in which he stated that I am so accustomed to people kissing my ass that I have grown bitchy and mean. To which I replied that he must have a short memory indeed because I was bitchy and mean long before anyone paid any attention to me whatsoever. He also kept using the phrase “you people” which leads me to believe that the 3-pronged matriarchy that is my mother, my sister, and myself may be grinding him down a bit. Here is a photo I took with my phone while torturing him very early in the morning as he tried to sleep:



Hours and hours and hours of Oblivion: Elder Scrolls IV on the Xbox 360. Hi, I’m Mary and I’m a total nerdbomb in disguise. This is what it really looks like inside my brain:



I got to level 3 and into the Arcane University as a mage apprentice and was all set to fight a vampire as soon as I found some lockpicks to get into his home, and then sadly, sadly it was time to fly back to New York.

So I know there are some overdue phone calls and emails waiting, and there are a ton of blogs out there that haven’t been read. But right now I’ve gotta go purchase Oblivion for the PC. 

Oh, and I’m off the wagon, which was celebrated last night with Jagermeister and Dano surprising me with an anatomy lesson entitled “the brain”. Yippee!

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