My Secret Obsession

I have a serious problem that I need to share with thousands of myspace friends.

No, it’s not that crap-ass Fallout Boy bar on 11th Street. Although on a side-note, I did hear that the girl who lives upstairs dumped a bucket of water on the patrons on opening night, barely missing an actual Fallout Boy. If anyone knows her please send her my way, she sounds like a swell gal and I would like to be able to access her window, possibly with buckets of other substances.

My problem is far more bleak. It’s an addiction to something completely unhealthy and very dark.

It’s a nightly toe into the pool of darkness, if you will.

It’s the Nancy Grace show (cue scary organ music).
For those of you who are not familiar with Ms. Grace, I must give you a visual:

And here’s a little video of her cracking a rape joke.

http://gawker.com/news/cnn/rapist-hijinks-and-hilarity-with-nancy-grace-181957.php

Look at that helmet of blonde hair. It’s flawless. Look at the pounds and pounds of makeup on that angry little face. She’s like a shih tzu in drag. And Lord knows I love a good yag. She comes on the screen and I am instantly mesmerized by her strident questions and eyeshadow choices. How much layering goes into that effect? How many colors? Does she prepare her rage-filled statements ahead of time while sitting in the hair and makeup room? Inquiring minds want to know.

But Nancy is no ordinary high-pitched drag queen. She’s a bona-fide lawyer hosting the most hostile “news” show on television, on CNN as a matter of fact, and barring major breaking news like 9/11 she is the only reason I ever tune into that channel. I get my regular news from Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report and the rare occasion that I actually pay attention to Drew when he gives me the rundown on the Air America shows he listens to every day. Usually as soon as he says “I heard on the news today…” my brain tweets off into wondering if my new bangs are the right length or whether Johnny Depp is still worthy of interest. But Nancy Grace? Now that’s a news program that keeps me riveted.

Ms. Grace used to work on Court TV, also a favorite. I can watch a droney court trial on that channel for hours, especially when the courtroom moments are broken up every so often by an overly made up woman in a powder blue jacket yelling in a slight southern drawl: “He should FRY!” See, Nancy isn’t afraid to jump to a good conclusion. And she isn’t afraid to voice her opinion over anyone else who’s trying to talk. She’s a pistol! She scares the crap out of me and I love it!

Her show is touted as “the only justice themed interview/debate show, designed for those interested in the justice stories of the day”. Translation: lurid crime drama for crackers! Murder, mayhem, sordid tales of abuse and neglect! The kid whose crackhead parents kept him in a cage? He’s there! White sorority girls who disappear in the Bahamas? The whole family is on for weeks and weeks while Nancy’s film crew harasses the spoiled Dutch kid who she is sure got away with the murder. Cheerleading coaches who sleep with male students, murdered pregnant wives, dastardly cheating husbands? Nancy’s got ’em, and she’s happy to yell at, shout over, and generally harass any defense lawyer naïve enough to go on her show expecting talk time.

That whole innocent until proven guilty thing is a mere fly buzzing in the corner window of Nancy’s newsroom, and the more salacious the tale, the better as far as all are concerned.

So over the last decade I’ve become a real lightweight when it comes to film and news. I like to attribute it to an ever-expanding consciousness, though others might say I’m just getting old and weak. But I see our mainstream news and entertainment systems as pandering to our lowest minds in the 21st century. I really believe we’re in the decline of Western Civilization and the constant glut of movies with the primary focus on watching people torture, mutilate and murder each other are to me, a sure sign of the idiocy of the populous. It’s the modern version of the gladiator ring. Blood, we want blood! We’re so desensitized that we’re not happy unless someone’s sawing off a limb or running a hotel where torture is the main focus of room service, and it bores and depresses me.

And our news is the same: everything is child abuse and child pornography and sex scandals and people destroying each other in new and ever-expanding ways. We don’t have any information in the mainstream about our abortion rights slowly being eroded away, but we know all about every violent maniac in the tri-state area and whether Angelina Jolie’s still happy with Brad or not. I don’t know what’s happening with the war but I know what Britney Spears pussy looks like up close.

Culturally we’re slavering, drooling, pathetic half-wits who can only get off on the basest of entertainment. We worship serial killers and manufactured pop stars and we treat each other like crap because we believe ourselves to be islands unto ourselves.

Ugh. I can’t take it. I truly don’t want to pollute my soul with this stuff anymore. I can feel that it’s not good for me, the same way I feel like shit after eating McDonalds.

So why the hell am I still watching Nancy? Because even though it’s bad for me, it still tastes good going down. And in this case it won’t make make me fat. And even though I will never watch Saw or Hostel, I am still a product of the times. I list the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre among my favorite movies and I was once addicted to a little first person shooter computer game called Redneck Rampage. After that it was No One Lives Forever, and currently Destroy All Humans on the Xbox plays a big part of visits home. So maybe Nancy is that part of my desire for the escape and adrenaline of the lurid and the violent.

Plus I just really like the fact that someone on mainstream television gets away with that much makeup.So hmm… perhaps it’s simply that all roads lead back to some demented need for overly painted high camp. God, that’s predictable. Honestly, you people are far too indulgent sometimes for reading all the way through these things.

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