Why I Rarely Go to the Doctor

Doctor: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a lingerie buyer and a writer and I sing in a band occasionally.
Doctor: Oh, what’s the name of the band?
Me: Cycle Sluts from Hell
Doctor: Hmm…funny! So when did you get sick?
Me: January 1st. I partied too much on NYE and have been sick on and off ever since.
Doctor, looking concerned: Drugs?
Me: Erm…not anymore.
Doctor: Hmmm…(lifting my sleeve up so he can take my blood pressure and noticing cut scars on my arm). When did these happen?
Me: A long, long time ago. Youthful angst.
Doctor (sounding unconvinced): Hmmm…Okay, can you lift up your shirt so I can listen to you breathe?
Me (realizing I’m wearing the ugliest, rattiest, full-coverage dead-of-winter bra anyone’s ever seen): Um…okay…
Doctor: So, you’re a lingerie buyer, huh? What’s that like…

Me: Sigh…

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