Fuck February!

February really makes me mad. It used to make me really depressed, but now I’ve just moved on to being pissed off every time it hits.
First and foremost, it’s really frigging, stupidly, annoyingly, bullshittingly cold. It’s COLD. I do not do well in cold weather. It’s physically uncomfortable to the point of actual pain to me. It makes me feel weak, tired, and dare I say it, angry. Then you have to pile on a ton of clothing. I hate wearing a lot of clothing (shut it, Denise!), plus it’s nearly impossible to guage the layers for the temperature correctly. You’re either still cold or you get so heated up after walking for a block or two that by the time you get to the grocery store you’re sweaty and damp. 
Then while you’re overheated in cramped NY stores you keep knocking things off the shelves with your big coat elbows trying to avoid the other people in the aisles with their big coats. Then you have to bend over all padded out and try to pick the stuff up with your gloves on, which is impossible. So you pull off the gloves and jam them in your purse (which keeps sliding off your big coat shoulder) and then you can never find them again so you have to spend 5 minutes at the door of the store dodging more people in coats while you dig for the damn things.
And if it snows then you’re really fucked. In Michigan, where I come from, it just snows and snows and snows and it’s all about plowing the driveway and dancing around scraping the car in 0 degrees. Suffice to say I was fairly suicidal every February for the first 20 years of my life. In NYC it’s not quite as relentless but when it snows it looks pretty for a day and then turns into black ice and slush which is difficult to walk on and demands the wearing of ugly shoes. Any situation demanding the wearing of ugly shoes is not one I wish to be heavily involved in.

The whole experience just makes me want to hang like those toddlers who buckle their legs and throw their heads back and bray and dangle there refusing to move while their mothers angrily yank at them to make them stand and walk like normal people.
My brother has dubbed my apartment “Hot Fur” because I keep it at a warm temperature and there are a lot of animals lying about. He’ll walk in and rip off his clothes like he’s dying and say, “Oh my God. It’s horrible in here! It’s 90 degrees! I can’t breathe! And why are there never any color movies on the television? What is wrong with you?”

Nothing. I’m absolutely fine. It’s just retardedly COLD outside and there seems to be no other choice but to turn the radiator up and sit under a blanket surrounded by felines and watching Sunset Boulevard over and over until March hits every year. I see nothing wrong with that plan. Please pass the take-out menus.
Oh, and the whole light thing. Are you depressed in Jan/Feb every year? It’s because you’re not getting enough light. Go get some full spectrum bulbs at the health food store. They’re really expensive and that pisses me off too. I want my sunlight, dammit and I shouldn’t have to pay 9 bucks for it! No wonder I’m wandering around the house chugging bottles of wine and scarfing sesame noodles.
And lastly, I am convinced that Valentine’s Day was something thrown in there to distract us at this the most crappy time of year. All the real holidays are done and warm weather is a distant blip on the horizon. Valentine’s Day is there to get you hopeful that something great will happen with the one you love/lust after, or focused on the fact that you are alone. Either way it’s annoying. I’ve actually got a pretty good Valentine’s history but I still think it’s a stupid holiday.

Soooo…the point of this blog? There is none. And please don’t send me concerned emails, I’m in a good mood. I’m just saying—Fuck February!

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