I’ve come to the conclusion that boys are dumb. They just are.
Before the male half gets upset with me, let me preface by saying that no one loves boys/men more than me. I love hanging out with them, I love the way they smell, the way their voices sound on the telephone, the way they look in leather pants, the way they can make everything all right when you’re freaking out and need reassurance. I am a staunch heterosexual, I have been to the other side and it bores the hell out of me. I’ll make out with a girl if I’m drunk and she’s persistent, but at the end of the day I want a member of the opposite sex in my bed. I am also madly in love with my platonic male friends, whose numbers are equal to that of my female friends. They enrich my life in many ways that women alone cannot. Men rule. But boys are dumb. And all men are boys some of the time, and some of them, unfortunately, all of the time.
Here are two recent examples of dumbness that have prompted me to blog today:
I got a friend request from a random dude, ordinary looking, not hot, not hideous, who has a few people I know and not too many myspace hookers on his page. So I approved the request and totally forgot about him. Today I looked in my mailbox and there was a request to approve his comment (thank you, Tom, for creating the comment approval option, btw). And the comment is this:
“So when we gonna fuck?”
I was DUMBfounded. EXCUSE me?? You wanted to place this vile sentence on my page, you absolute twerp?? In the immortal words of Cher in “Clueless”–
Ugh! As IF!!!!!
So whatever, I hit the block button and annoyance problem solved. Thanks again, Tom.
But then I pondered it a little and wondered, was this a moronic version of an actual come-on? And did he think this would work? Or was he trying to be funny? Did he think I would find him cute and amusing and brash and that we would banter back and forth about when we would fuck? I think maybe he did, because why would he bother to add me as a friend if he just wanted to offend me? But I am not going to read too much into it because he’s obviously an idiot, and he’s also a boy and lets face it, some boys are dumb and don’t know how to act like men and send a decent comment.
Next case in point:
A while back I got a message from a guy that is very cute, though not my type, and marginally famous. He has played with a few well-known people and has a whole host of girls leaving flirty comments on his page.
Unbeknownst to him, we already met when I managed Coney and the band he was in at the time was hanging out there with my ex, who is friendly with every famous person on the planet. So this guy was very sweet, not a genius by any stretch, did a ton of coke, got a blowjob in the bathroom and then moved on with his band to the next town. I am making no judgments here; I’ve done stupider things on the road and off, and would never begrudge someone else their own wild ride. Anyway, I am assuming he didn’t connect that he’s met me because at the time I was going through a very “trying-to-be-the-low-key-rock-wife” phase in an attempt to please someone else, and as a result was much quieter and less opinionated than I typically am. Thank God that phase didn’t last forever because it would have killed me.
Anyway, here is our correspondence in its entirety:
Cute But Incredibly Stupid Marginally Famous Rockstar: Do you know Luigi?
Me: Yes, I do. 🙂
CBISMFR: Well that guy’s a fucking ASSHOLE.
That’s the whole message. Again, huh????? Did I ask for this? Why would someone intrude into my happy little world with a nasty set-up like this? I responded with something like, “I don’t know what your problem is but your bullshit is uninvited and I’d appreciate it if you took your insanity somewhere else.” I never heard back from him after that.
But because I was curious about what would prompt such a random attack I looked at his page a little closer, and found my man Luigi all over it. So they’re friends. Then I read further and found that CBISMFR states that he loves pale girls with long black hair. Ooooooohhhhhh…I get it now. He actually doesn’t hate me, he finds me attractive and this is his misguided way of showing it, much like pulling my pigtails. And because he’s used to being able to act the ass and still get blowjobs in the bathroom he probably uses this kind of approach all the time. Because that’s the kind of dumb things boys do.
When I first arrived in NY all fresh and dewy from the wilds of Michigan, I was very excited that I would finally get to meet and mingle with hot rock boys. The pickings were very slim back home and I had planned on breaking out and meeting cool people in bands since I was in junior high school. I spent all my teen years listening to and studying up on music, and when I got to the city I made sure my clothes were cool, my hair was teased, and that I knew all about the bands I was going to meet.
So then I got here and discovered that many of the rock guys I found so fascinating would look right past me to the mousy brown-haired girls in mom jeans standing next to me. It was unbelievable! These girls knew absolutely nothing about the bands, nor did they care! And they weren’t that hot, just decently attractive, they certainly didn’t have anything to say, they most definitely didn’t wanna rock, and it appeared to me that they were just killing time until they settled down and had babies. I kept wondering, what did they have that I didn’t have? What were they doing that I wasn’t?
Then it dawned on me one day that these girls were being chosen precisely because they weren’t doing the things that I was or looking like I did. They were nice and normal and would indeed settle down and have babies while their guitar-toting boyfriends or husbands were on the road having a good time. And that’s the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. I wanted to be on the road, too! So it eventually became my opinion that those boys were a little, yes, DUMB to pick such boring girlfriends because I think girls like me are a hell of a lot more fun and in the end will actually give guys in bands a lot less grief because we get it.
One of my favorite exes is Ronnie Sweetheart, of Throbs fame, and one of the many reasons that he has a special place in my heart is that early into our acquaintance he grabbed me and said, “You’re like the female version of me. You are a total rock star! We need to get together.” Well, you know my big fat ego loved that, and I still love him for it, he thought it was great that we were both in bands and we played a lot of shows together. And one of the boys that I adored around that same time that would have nothing to do with me, except as a fellow musician pal, and who is now paunchy and faded, says to me every time I see him, “You know, we should really get together sometime.” And I think to myself, “Man, you are really dumb if you think you have any kind of chance now.”
I will end my essay on male stupidity by saying that women play a big part in the dumbness of our men. Certainly if the retarded approaches that are listed above never worked, they wouldn’t be attempted. For every asinine, boorish come-on there’s a stupid girl who thinks it’s cute. Especially with guys like the CBISMFR. He has a whole hoard of girls on his page that I’m sure would love it if he sent them witty banter such as I’ve received. Which makes those girls just as stupid as him.
Hmm…So okay, maybe it’s not just boys that are dumb. *sigh *…Well, now that blows my whole train of thought.
I’m going to have to rethink this whole theory and get back to you.