My Stupid Sister & Those Awful Gaucho Yoga Pants

Guys, you can skip this one, it’s total girlie crap…

Actual phone conversation:
My stupid sister: Hello?
Me: What do you want?
MSS: Why didn’t you pick up a minute ago when I called?
Me: I was on the other line. What the hell do you want?
MSS: I weighed myself today and I weigh 111 pounds.
Me: Yeah, well you totally suck. I have decided that I might as well stop thinking about it all the time because no matter what I eat I weigh the same anyway.
MSS: Well, you’re not supposed to weigh yourself all the time, but I did weigh myself today and I weigh one hundred and eleven pounds.

Me: *sigh*…So what do you want, a medal?
MSS: I think you should write a blog about how I weigh ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN POUNDS. Because I’m way, way skinnier than you and I believe that it would be of interest to your readers.
Me: Yeah, whatever…


What is the deal with those horrible knit yoga gaucho style pant that every woman in NYC has suddenly started wearing? You know the ones—they are made of thin knit fabric, come in a variety of colors, have a roll-down waistband, and stop below the knee where they flap around as the wind takes them.

Did I miss that meeting? Was there a memo?? There is some collective unconscious in Manhattan that will all of a sudden decide that one particular item must be owned and worn by every Patty Pussy roaming the streets (this is my very gay friend Paolo’s term for the white, normal, super-straight girl that just got in from the Midwest and lives for Sex and the City style until she talks her ex-frat boy boyfriend into marrying her and breeding overindulged children). It freaks me out! A few summers ago it was the clamdigger, which wasn’t so bad but just bothered me because no one called to tell me I needed to own a pair. This season it’s these God-awful pants. They are so bad that I feel I must mention them out loud in case anyone out there is thinking, “Hmm…every girl I know has suddenly purchased a pair of these hideous and incredibly unflattering pants, perhaps, perchance…am I supposed to own a pair as well?…”
NO, dear lady! First of all, they look extremely inexpensive. I have nothing against cheap clothing and wear a lot of bargain crap myself, but you should never wear something that looks like it came straight out of China’s sweatshops straight through Joyce Leslie to you.
And more importantly, God nor man nor beast has ever created a more unflattering pant! How about a lazy style that says, “Ah…I could have put actual clothing on, but I think I’ll just put on this thin pant facsimile instead…” CHECK! Camel toe? CHECK!! A thin, tight knit stretched across the ass to accentuate any cottage cheese present? CHECK!!! A length that cuts you off midway through the calf, thus making you and your legs look shorter and stumpier? CHECK AND CHECK!!!!
Ladies, please. I am begging you: If your friends are wearing these pants, insist that they stop immediately. We’re all stressed out enough without having to witness this latest fashion travesty twenty times a day.
And now, I really must go prank call my stupid sister. She’s short and can’t hold her liquor, please feel free to message her about her shortcomings at

Author: Raffaele

Rock and roll juggernaut, writer, muse, animal lover, Cycle Slut from Hell, friend, lover, sister, daughter, nerd, fagwoman, Slytherin, killer queen.

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